Why you are attracted to avoidant partners and how to change it

Avoidant behaviours and strategies of relating are rooted and expressed as a byproduct of the inability to change external circumstances to fit the attached preferred narrative of the mind. Avoidance in and of itself, is the inability to accept life on life’s terms as it presents in the moment. It is a strategy that is created often from the experience of trauma that caused the individual to disassociate from the body and create an idealised fixation of  a ‘desired’ version of reality that reality itself could never duplicate, usually due to a fixation on ‘perfectionism’ giving it the feedback that it’s vindicated in its choice to engage in avoidant actions as a result. The strategy of avoidance sees through the lens of self as the only point of attraction and does not see the impact of its strategy on others as in doing so, it would stand to obliterate its own mechanism, so it in essence, it is a mechanism that prevents the individual accessing true feedback through the heart and the ability to see another as an extension of itself. 

This is why someone could be an exceptional partner match for someone that is currently unconsciously adopting an avoidant strategy and they will isolate or ‘nit pick’

small nuanced idiosyncrasies in the other as a way of the avoidant creating distance and rejecting the individual altogether for those small nuances or behaving in a way that ultimately sabotages the connection so the strategy can reassert itself, becoming self fulfilling to its own strategy.

When you consistently find that you are attracted to a pattern of partners that have an ‘avoidant’ strategy of relating, this is due to the dysfunction you feel in the other that then becomes exacerbated in the way they show up in the connection which often presents as emotional withdrawal, ghosting, not hearing from the person for days, feeling consistently on edge or as if you are walking on egg shells and in a heightened state of anxiousness, that closely mimics the feelings and the dynamics created by growing up in a dysfunctional home environment. Your neurons associate this dysfunction that you sense in the other as a feeling of your first learned experience of ‘home’ which is what draws you to them, because you have learnt how to navigate that environment as your first encounter with ‘home’, not because they are a healthy match for you or a true connection of the soul's home. 

The challenge that many have in overcoming this patterning can come from not knowing how to rewire the body and accept a connection that truly lights up the soul and feels as if coming home on a soul level- not from the level of initial learned programming and how to change the bodies reorientation towards true connection. This is why many seek therapy for course correction in patterns of learned behaviour but will often swing to the opposite side of the pendulum to ‘resolve’ the pattern, many women for example, going from men that exhibit avoidant ways of relating that have them consistently feeling as if they’re living on eggshells, for men that are ‘safe’ to the degree that they don’t challenge the woman at all or ignite any sense of passion in her body- offering the safety she felt in childhood but with the dynamics of a father and not a partner. They become a change out for a different type of survival strategy and not an elevation of her operating system that would call in her most compatible partner. 

Our bodies vibrate in accordance with the programming that exists within us at a cellular level and call to us like frequencies that vibrate at the same frequency. In order to change what we emit from a vibrational standpoint, we have to intercept the previous signals and replace them with new ones. Cells communicate through a network of electrical signalling, meaning they pulse electrical information and instruction between them and these instructions manage the operations of the body- reality overall follows the same way of operating as we all contain an electromagnetic field that emits signals between people and the environment as well. When we want our vibrational output to change, we have to change the signals entirely and replace the dysfunctional operating system for a new one- the learned patterning for new instructions. These instructions exist at a level of frequency, of the coding held in the system that exists at an energetic level- one that is not seen by the human eye. To solve a physical issue, you have to tend to the programming, the same as you would in the back end of a computer. When you come up against an issue in the computer's programming that is affecting the way that it operates, you tend to the coding, the instructions being given at the core and change the coding to change the command. Our bodies are wired in a very similar way, we have seen this through the study of neuroplasticity and the mind and bodies ability to rewire itself. 

So the question is, how do you change out the vibrational operating system to shift the pattern? There are different ways of doing this, the first one, and something that is very important when you want to change the patterns in your life, is to look at who you are allowing yourself to have access to and what programming you are ingesting from the outside world. We are able to adjust and adapt our own frequency by being around and learning from those that exhibit the frequency of what we desire to experience. This is why who and what you allow yourself to absorb and listen to is extremely important when you want to change your operating system. This is why relatability can often be the thing that holds you back the most because relatability when you are changing your operating system, reinforces the system you are attempting to move away from. Hearing lots of women, for example, talk about the difficult experiences they have had with avoidant men, reinforces that story in your operating system. Being around and learning from women that do not have that pattern in their life or have anchored into their new operating system, starts to activate the change in your operating system for you to embody who you need to be in order to align to the frequency that they emit. They become active space holders for the frequency because they are already embodied in it. Listening to music and watching programmes such as reality tv that thrive and are created to exacerbate unhealthy behaviours and ways of relating, will also not support you in that shift. Programming enters us from all angles, so what and who we access is the first point of contact you have to make in your life in order to begin those shifts. 

The second is to understand that reality is not set up how we perceive it to be through the human mind- this knowledge alone allows for the signal disrupt required for downloading a new operating system that supports the changes you desire to have. The conscious mind is designed to track reality like a film, with continuity and a storyline, however in order for that storyline to change, you have to introduce a disrupt in the signal so a new operating system can start to ‘download’ and change the signal output, effectively accepting a ‘new version’ of yourself to enter the body. These changes however, can only be accepted, when the heart is open and on board with the changes. The heart is the epicentre of the electromagnetic field of the human and so it is the gateway that allows the instruction of the changes to anchor and download. If you have blockages around the heart or are actively fighting against the true desires of the heart, which connects you to the seat of your soul and your destiny, your body cannot accept the new operating system as there is nothing to give it momentum to anchor the change and support the evolution of self. This is why phrases such as ‘fake it until you make it’ are oppositional to downloading a new operating system because you will never have to fake what you truly desire to experience in life. The need to ‘fake’ something is a ploy from the mind to block vulnerability, ironically the one thing that will close down the heart faster than anything else. This is because the soul doesn’t deal in illusion, it deals in authenticity and truth and the internal compass that is wired to push you into your fullest expression of self.

Looking at internal avoidance strategies as it relates to your life is also really important for changing the avoidant operating system. Most commonly, women for example that are drawn to avoidant partners, express avoidant behaviours in other areas of their life and attempt to fix their internal relationship with avoidance through pulling in partners that express this strategy for relating in relationships and feeling a sense of ‘accomplishment’ or positive feedback of ‘changing’ the behaviours in the avoidant partner every time the avoidant partner gives them attention or appears to be changing the way they behave. Women that seek to get the ‘bad boy’ to commit, are usually unconsciously governed by this dynamic. The ‘bad boy’ represents the suppressed shadow aspect that exists in the woman and her attempt to focus on ‘rehabilitating’ his behaviour is an expression of that denial of aspect in the self for where she expresses it a different area of her life. 

The human psyche is layered and so this often becomes confusing to people trying to map or isolate an individual's relational strategy to being one approach. You can have someone that exhibits avoidant behaviours when it comes to romantic partners, but then expresses anxious attachment behaviours towards relating with the opposite sex parent. Neither are a healthy way of operating but both express themselves differently depending on the dynamic. This is why ‘shadow work’ and working with unintegrated, suppressed and denied aspects of self is a very important part of the process when it comes to shifting your core point of attraction to unsupportive patterns in your life. The mind is the gatekeeper of change and so you have to work with all parts of the psyche to ensure they are moving in the same direction and on board with the direction you are moving in to experience harmonious and highly compatible relationships in life. This is because internal harmony becomes mirrored in external harmony with another.

For powerful support with upgrading your core operating system and healing any psychological fragmentation leading to unhealthy relating and partner selection, the following tools are an advanced form of energy work that are designed to upgrade your operating system and to integrate the changes psychologically. It is also highly recommended that some knowledge and practice of meditation is engaged in, prior to purchasing and working with the following tools. 

• 33 PLANE SUBCONSCIOUS CLEARING ENERGETIC CONTAINER- This tool is the holy grail of shadow work integration. The subconscious connects to the 33 vertebrae of the spine; information from the subconscious is also stored in the nervous system and the bodywide neural networks. This is why traditional psychological behavioural and therapy approaches are generally much slower at triggering change within the individual as talk therapy approaches for example, engages the individuals conscious relationship to what they are thinking and feeling, in the process, the practitioner will attempt to map the underlying subconscious drivers needed to trigger the changes and the root of an issue through through a linear approach and will often assign a ‘diagnosis’ or disorder as a way of creating a plan of ‘corrective’ strategies and behaviours. This tool actively places the individual (along with all other tools available to purchase) into a hyperentrained state, softening the subconscious and any barriers preventing information that needs to surface to facilitate a shift to rise at a rate that is much more efficient, but still works with the pace the individual is able to process the changes psychologically. It works with the subconscious as a layered, multidimensional construct so that the individual can effectively piece together the changes undergoing in the psyche as it aligns with the most harmonious and authentic version of self, so that all shadow aspects of self are integrated and no longer at odds with each other- the route of true healing and foundational and sustainable changes in life. 

• SACRED LOVE MATCH ACTIVATION, ATTUNEMENT & ENERGETIC CONTAINER- This tool has been specifically created to support those wanting to align to their most compatible partner in life that they hold a deep soul connection with. It downloads the new operating system required for you through the activations and then begins to attune you to the changes needed for you to align to that becoming a reality in your life through entering into a ‘merge process’ with your divine counterpart so that you can deeply understand your own energy and your counterparts energy so that you don’t reject it when it comes into your life due to unsupportive programming or blockages you may be holding in your system. The container itself acts as a powerful 360 degree subconscious mirror and will ask that you clear old programming and unsupportive ideas of relationships to allow the process to unfold successfully. 

• SOUL FRACTALL RECALL ENERGETIC CONTAINER- This tool is designed for individuals that have a tendency to find that they disassociate from the body or adopt strategies of disassociation that makes it challenging to move through unwanted emotions and situations productively. It deals directly with fragmentation at a psychological and soul level (which can sometimes include past lives/superconscious fragmentation) and will make you aware of parts of self that you suppress or deny, calling them back into the body for integration. If you find you struggle to commit to things in life or your body dissociates whenever you feel discomfort or uncomfortable situations arise in life. This one will work to anchor you back into the body by recalling the parts that you do not feel ‘safe’ to express. 

For more cutting edge tools, attunements and activations, visit the shop at www.stefbaker.com or if you would like more information or would like a personal energy diagnostic scan to know which would work perfectly for you, message Stef directly through the contact form on the home page. 

33 PLANE SUBCONSCIOUS CLEARING ENERGETIC CONTAINER

£133.00

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