Trivia, the misconception of compromise and being yourself.

Having spent the past few weeks in a whirlwind of exciting change as my partner and I have relocated ourselves down to London, business updates/blog and general updates have been generally pretty sporadic in nature, so I thought I would take the opportunity today to explore the notion of a topic that has been brought into my awareness on more than one occasion this week.

As an individual, in recent years, the more I have developed my own skillset and become a professional and lover in what I practice, I have found that my attention and interest for things that would be considered ‘trivial’ in nature have become almost non existent. By trivial, I mean talking about things that have no relevance to my life, gossip or activities that are done simply to feel like I fit in. Hot air is another one, talking mindlessly about things that you actually have no interest in, in order to fill a period of silence where you feel unable to hold yourself in quiet calm reassurance (as it is a common misconception that the person making the most noise and talking the most, it the most confident and self assured person in the room!) I can read the energy engineered behind a comment before it even leaves a person’s mouth and know instantaneously whether or not to engage in the interaction or to give it time and attention. I have stopped caring about being or behaving in a certain way to gain approval and have no interest in picking/judging or making unpleasant comments about others and it is the most freeing feeling in the world.

What I have discovered is that the fundamental difference between trivia and acting as an observer to your own reality and navigating through preference, is that trivia presents itself as a form of lack of self worth, where you feel emotionally engaged and personally involved in something that really, on the outset, has no personal relevance to you, but you make it so and argue it right/wrong, good/bad, attractive/unattractive and it is ultimately a reflection of your own inner criticism and a need to negate the things you are and that you believe. Navigating through preference, neutralises the field of life and is accepting of everything, yet chooses to engage only in the things that only it feels a match to. This is what is means to be yourself. It doesn’t ever trivialise in a way where it feels like it has to argue a case or prove that it is right.

One of the most interesting platforms that this translates into, is when it comes to personal relationships, in any form. The art of compromise, is something that we are taught in order to get along with each other in a way that is accepting of others but it has been taught in a way that asks us to compromise part of who we truly are for the sake of appeasing others. When you are aligned and honestly know who and what it is that you are, you naturally attract and are drawn to other individuals and groups of people that share your vision, ironically meaning that the idea of compromise is actually no longer consciously needed as you are all on the same page and are effectively working towards the same vision. You just bounce off each other in a natural state of ease. The ultimate difference being, that although circumstantially at times, such as making plans, you take the other person’s life and needs into consideration in order for you to reach a harmonious agreement of engagement, but it will never ask you to behave in a compromised way that is not reflective of who you are. It’s like when parents place the expectation on a child to become a doctor, when it is not reflective of the child’s passion and character, but the child agrees anyway to appease the parents because it is a ‘well paid, respectable job’.

We have, from the distinctions created by the human mind, interpreted compromise as an honourable and unconditionally loving quality that would ‘do anything’ to prove it’s loving nature, but in truth, to interpret and act on it by that definition of essentially watering down and allowing your own desires and needs not to be met for the sake of appeasing another and doesn’t actually help you or the other person you are in that engagement with. It changes it from an unconditionally loving act to a conditional one. You, by virtue of doing or saying something that feels off to you are not being honest about who you are and are falsely deceiving another. That is the reality of the action, even if the action looks honourable on the surface.

The hardest people to overcome this mentality with is your family because we have, for eons, placed so much pressure on ‘the family unit’, in terms of the blood connection and the art of doing certain things to appease the family for fear of loosing them and widely opening ourselves up to criticism, that we actually hold ourselves back. Its why the most common arena for lessons in ‘openly deceptive behaviour’ falls under love relationship arena, because mentally, we find it much easier to detach from someone we have not been taught to have a moral obligation of behaviour with when we make a mistake, because there are far less people connected to the connection as well, then it is to show your true self to your blood family. Its why many people continue to go through life as serial daters, moving from one relationship to the next, never moving to the next level of connection as when something that challenges them to show who they truly are is ignited and there is a fear that showing that aspect will mean rejection from the other person, that they find it easier to come up with an excuse and walk away rather than embracing it and being honest about it. The irony is, this is how we discover depth of character and it takes courage. It means unconsciously and consciously confronting and accepting the possibility of rejection every time which is the way your brain naturally reacts to a potential change of character. It is designed to keep you safe, and safety to the brain is stability because it knows how to handle things that you’ve always done. Why do you think you get nervous when you start a new job or do something for the first time that you’ve never done before? It is a natural and exciting to response to change.  

When we discover we are quite different and hold different interests to those that have brought us up, we have learnt to question ourselves as obscure rather than embracing the differences and allowing ourselves to move into a position where we live out our true potential. Interestingly, we come into this world, with an entire dependency on guardians to bring us up, provide for us and keep us safe. In times when that is challenging, if we have not learnt the art of respect for individual expression and beliefs, then unconsciously, as we have for eons, fall into the trap of expecting that eventually that child will ‘pay us back’ for what we did for them, like it’s some huge ask having someone to love when deep down, this is our true nature and no one owes us anything. We are drawn to things that will give us the feeling of purpose in this existence and of being of service in some way because it makes a difference and it’s how humans feel validated, for seeing the positive difference they have made to someone else’s life, however menial it might appear in nature. How that shows itself is not important, only that we feel it individually. As soon as you start doing things from the trajectory of doing it to get something in return, you will always feel a sense of lack in another aspect of your life as a result of it, even if it looks seemingly unconnected on the surface, this is how the nature of reality works. When you are doing or being who you truly are, you don’t ever feel a sense of imbalance or depletion as the result of it or the decisions that you make. You know this because it requires no initial thought processing or thought after its occurred, you just DO. The brain only jumps in, to trivialise and make sense of something logically and rationally through a process of justification and it is quite frankly, exhausting.

SO…to help you understand and embody the true human representation of ‘being yourself’ as, we are so often told this term of phrase when we don’t emotionally know how to relate to ourselves in that state and will construct a character based on others responses to us to identify who and what that is. I had a very profound realisation of this actually that i’ll never forget, when I worked for a hospitality company in Leeds back in the day as a cocktail waitress and every year they would give out ‘awards’ at Christmas and the one year, I actually got voted ‘biggest airhead’ and was mortified and really didn’t understand why i’d got it as even on paper, this was not the case. Years later, when delving into this line of work and observing social behaviours, realised that if someone from an outside perspective is not self aware, they will look at you and create a character of who they think you are, based on what check boxes currently operate in mass society and culture and treat you based on those expectations of character. That is not down to your knowing of yourself, but another’s interpretation of what they think they understand as again, it is a protective mechanism set up by the brain to justify its own belief system. Its actually one of the things I see in clients quite often and to be honest, I also went through this phase, of feeling like I had to prove myself because I found I was stereotyped quite a lot and was hired for jobs because I looked like someone that cared a lot about physical appearance, by individuals and jobs that did, and not on skills or development of knowledge which was something that was a far bigger importance and interest to me personally. This was nothing to do with what I was projecting from a place of intention, but more, what I learnt to accept for myself after trying to make a dent in the world for something that did not revolve around the physicality of the human form and receiving minimal response or rejection. Eventually I realised it wasn’t me creating those limitations but they existed because I accepted them and then I stopped caring about that to, and decided i’m going to carry on being who I am anyway and carry on working on what I love because its true to me even if part of what I do is getting others to overcome and see past those limitations of perception in others and themselves (oh, the irony!!).

Would I have understood the perception construct of the mind if I hadn’t gone through it however,? Absolutely not. Would I change it? Not in a million years.

So if you find yourself asking yourself ‘is this me?’ going forward, get out of your head and into your body. When your body feels the twinge of nervousness, intrigue, excitement or curiosity, then something is most definitely for you. If your body contracts and tries to pull away at the offer of something, then walk away from it because its not for you. Take your head completely out of the equation. It doesn’t matter who or what is offering anything to you, you can only move past the limitations of expectation of behaviour in others, if you are prepared to give them a chance outside of what you think you know from what they appear to be offering up on the surface. Opportunities are missed everyday because of this and trust is also shattered on a daily basis from believing something to be good and true because it ticks the boxes of what is good and true in mass culture. This is how we move forward, by being what you want to see in the world.

Have a wonderful weekend! Just an additional note, I have now migrated and moved everything to one website as everything was starting to look a bit disjointed and I wanted to make things as simple as possible, so my new website is http://www.stefbaker.com and everything I launch and offer will be connected to that site, so if you wish to book a session and explore further, feel free to visit.

Stef x

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